Wholeness is a state of liberation from the shackles of our expectations of others and forgiveness towards ourselves in the incidents where we've let others down. It gifts us the opportunity to revisit and understand the emotional imprints etched into our souls through life's experiences.

Let's be clear: This piece is not at all about excusing destructive behaviors or relational damages through carelessness. Some are lying awake at night with broken relationships - even burdened and wanting to fix what they have not broken - whilst others are unaware of the havoc they wreak or others simply don't care. There are people-pleasers and self-pleasers. Wisdom is key in discerning the difference. Embrace healthy boundaries and foster connections with safe people to maintain wholeness and leave positive imprints. Who knows, it might even inspire those trapped in destructive cycles to seek healing instead of inflicting pain.

Your story, in its entirety, is a treasure of immense value. Your highs, your lows, your triumphs, your failures. In which areas have you given up and where do you still find undying hope? From the instances where you were the perpetrator to the times you were the victim, every facet of you is vital. Not to confine you, but to guide you, heal you, and enable you to offer a healing touch to the world in return. Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of wisdom that this world so desperately needs to heal from its self-absorption and arrogance.

When we think of hurts, who's to blame? Is there a sole perpetrator of all this brokenness? I recall incidents where my parents left me feeling irreversibly flawed, yet I know my children can recount instances where they felt unappreciated, unloved,. unseen or neglected due to my actions. Perhaps our parents lacked the mental tools we now have access to, tools that enhance emotional intelligence and mental health awareness. Can we then blame their parents for their brokenness?

Reflecting on my faith, I'm reminded of the extraordinary love of God. When Jesus paid the price for our wrongdoings, he didn't point fingers. Rather, he asked for forgiveness on our behalf. He bore our sins, even when it meant being forsaken momentarily by His Father, so that we can be accepted eternally. He knew that I was the perpetrator, he knew it had to be punished, and he paid the price that was required for what I owed.

Sometimes, the most arduous journey we undertake is discovering the root of blame. The inescapable maze of guilt can lead us to label and ostracize the 'guilty' from our lives, or, when we find ourselves in the accused's shoes, build impregnable walls around our hearts. These fortresses may offer protection, but at what cost? They also keep out the warmth of the sun and the ties that bind us to others. Defense mechanisms, a topic we may explore another day, also lead us to a well-trodden path of conformity and people-pleasing and that it what we want to talk about today. Have you noticed that in the pursuit of approval, we often abandon our essence, the core of our purpose and cleverly crafted eternal design? We exchange our individuality for acceptance, and in doing so, we risk leaving no trace, no legacy.

Isn't it a paradox that we're willing to be forgotten, as long as we're not disliked?

When the primary aim is always to conform, it can significantly impact an individual's personal development, mental health, and overall well-being. Conformity, while sometimes beneficial for social harmony and acceptance, can become a barrier to genuine internal transformation and the adoption of healing behaviors. This, in turn, can keep individuals from achieving upgraded behaviours and results in their personal and professional lives. Here's some of the effects of conformity:-

• Suppresses Authentic Self-Expression: Constantly striving to conform can lead individuals to suppress their true thoughts, feelings, and desires in favour of what they believe is socially acceptable or expected of them. This suppression of authentic self-expression can prevent individuals from fully understanding and embracing their true selves, which is a crucial step in personal growth and transformation.
• Limits Personal Growth: Conformity often involves adhering to established norms and expectations, which can limit opportunities for personal experimentation and unrestricted growth. When individuals prioritize fitting in over exploring their interests, values, and beliefs, they may miss out on discovering what truly motivates and fulfills them, stunting the development of their unique purpose.
• Hinders Emotional Awareness and Regulation: Conforming to external expectations can lead individuals to ignore or downplay their emotional responses to situations, especially if those responses are deemed socially unacceptable. This lack of emotional awareness and regulation can prevent individuals from addressing and processing their emotions healthily, or even understanding what abuse looks like.
• Creates Internal Conflict: Living in a way that prioritizes conformity over authenticity can create an internal conflict between an individual's true self and their conforming self. This conflict can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction, unhappiness, and even depression, as individuals struggle to reconcile their internal desires with external expectations.
• Prevents Meaningful Connections: Authentic connections with others are built on vulnerability, honesty, and mutual respect for each other's uniqueness. When individuals prioritize conformity, they may present a facade that hinders the development of deep, meaningful relationships.
• Reduces Resilience: Conforming to avoid conflict or disapproval can make individuals less resilient to life's challenges. Without the opportunity to face and overcome adversity, adjust and overcome in their own unique way, individuals may find it difficult to develop the coping skills and resilience needed for personal growth and healing.

NEXTS ON THE JOURNEY TO RECOVERY AND WHOLENESS

Moving Beyond Conformity for Transformation and Healing:

To break free from the constraints of conformity and embark on a path of genuine transformation and healing, individuals can:

• Cultivate Self-Awareness: Engage in practices like journaling, meditation, or therapy to better understand personal values, beliefs, and emotional responses
• Practice Self-Acceptance: Learn to accept and embrace personal quirks, preferences, and imperfections as integral parts of a unique identity.
• Seek Supportive Environments: Surround yourself with people and communities that encourage authenticity and personal growth.
• Embrace Vulnerability: Be open to sharing true thoughts and feelings with others, which can lead to more authentic connections and personal growth.
• Set Personal Goals: Focus on personal aspirations and goals that align with true desires, rather than societal expectations.

By shifting the focus from conformity to authenticity, individuals can embark on a journey of internal transformation that fosters healing, personal growth, and improved outcomes in all areas of life.